Chapter 9 – It’s Time

God is Mercifully Good to All

Psalm 61:1-3

“Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For Thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.”

Psalms 145:9

“The LORD is good to all: and His tender mercies are over all His works.”

I woke with a startle as I heard a soft unusual meow coming from under my bed. Esther had taken to hiding under there as of late and the signs of her failing health had grown substantially since I had come back from being with my mom after my dad passed away. The toll of age and illness are not pleasant under any circumstance and not in regard to any living soul and that included my little Esther. The weight of the recent loss of my father and the many other complicated movements in my life seemed to intensify the harsh decision and loss I was about to endure again. I took one look into those pain filled loving eyes that morning and knew the time was at hand.

“Dear God please help me with this…mercy” I plead in my heart as I rolled out of bed and down on the floor to pet and pray over her. She pushed her sweet little warm head into my head and was gently purring but she did not come out to me as usual. I had to go under and carefully slide her out to administer some pain meds to help with her hurt. The vet had already encouraged giving as needed and it was needed.

Gideon stayed close by and watched as I held her. Esther was the closest thing to an auntie mama cat he had since he was rescued as a feral kitten. She had a little baby tiger toy that I had been given by a foreign gentleman I had met on a train while traveling in Europe. That little gift was the first real happy toy Esther had and she made the most of it. She would meow and prow carrying that little tiger all around and then lay next to it. That was one of the cutest little behaviors I ever saw her engage in and it was special to Gideon too. She gave her “Baby” as I called it, to him in the last month. It was like she was giving her favorite special toy as inheritance to Gideon and he took it full on. Of course, I washed it and kept it clean as mouth carriage does come with nastiness sometimes. He took to it just as she had.

Kaiyah seemed aware of everything. Her silent observations and occasional strong eye contact let me know she knew about Esther. In the short time since Kaiyah’s adoption, they had developed quite a nice bond. They went about the backyard, rolled in the grass and dirt together - not in the same spot mind you, but nearby. Kaiyah and Esther looked like they shared stories out there bathing in the sun which seemed to do them both a lot of good. Even with the slowness and frailty that emerged in Esther’s time outside, Kaiyah was always so good about giving her plenty of space and took her time moving about. She even made her stress laps wide and away from where Esther would be.

I had rescued Esther almost 14 years prior after being told, by my vet at that time, there was a feral kitty living in a small housing community not too far from where I was living and it needed a home. After prayerful consideration I decided to see what I could do to help the sweet tabby with big green eyes. It was a nice little housing area and some people had set food out for her. A friend of mine came along in hopes we would be able to rescue her. We both were excited and set out calling for her. After a short time wandering up and down the sidewalks I noticed her outside of one of the homes. There she was…sweet as could be and gentle. I had no problems picking her up and we had a polite introduction and off we went. Praise God for those kind people looking after her in the cold and for my friend who helped that evening. I did make sure that I had not accidentally “adopted” someone else’s kitty and indeed she was the one needing a loving home which I was more than happy to provide. It was the beginning of a new friendship: Esther was the name that rose in my heart for her humble, lady-like manners...and she was a lovely marked tabby with short fur that was grey, had black stripes, speckled with white and soft beige and those striking green eyes. Every color Placed “purrfectly” by our wonderful Creator. She was precious. We traveled far and wide and she was always up for the journey. She enjoyed her goodies and before long became my roly-poly tabby who I would refer to as my Estherlein, a little play on Esther with a touch of German. Boy could she move fast chasing after strings and such even with being a little more cushioned than she ought to be. She would lie beside me whenever possible although she was never a bed companion. She would however snuggle up smack dab in the middle of the bed by the pillows when she wanted and it was always a welcome sight to come home to. She was just a doll, full of life and playfulness while being demure and loving especially as she matured. She was already an adult when I took her in so knowing her age was super hard to determine. All I knew is that she was one sweet loving kitty whose story I would have to wait for Heaven to fully know. She was a stable personality with strength of presence, even in her frailty. All my other pets knew that she was the chief elder furbaby, little queen Esther.

After taking Kaiyah for our prayerful morning mission hike and getting things prepared for the day, I placed a call to the vet. I needed them to know where things were for sweet Esther and to gain some reassuring feedback for the decision at hand. They couldn’t have been more understanding and reassuring that the hard decision had made itself plain and it was time. All I had to do was let them know and bring her in… “Dear Lord please help me with this…”I moaned in my heart. It was just over a week since my Pops had passed away, saying good-bye to my grieving Marmi, and all the demands of work and life, I was on overload and numb. I knew I wanted Esther’s last day to be a peaceful joyful time before saying good-bye that very Friday afternoon.

The call to my Marmi was important as she wanted to speak to Esther before she was put to sleep. She also had words for Kaiyah and Gideon, as my Marmi would do, and we ended the call in the comfort of our Good Shepherd.

When I got home from work I spent time with Esther outside. Letting her have as much time as she wanted to take in the sun’s warmth and the smells of the yard she had come to so enjoy. She loved rosemary and would rub herself all over it. The three big rosemary bushes I had were all higher than she could jump anymore so I lifted her up and she went right for the one closest. Oh that sparkly look in her weary eyes and the tiny little spring it put in her feebler walk as she rubbed her rosemary for the last time, it was priceless.

She explored every favorite place and then looked up at me with an expression that she was ready. I picked her up and watched her lumber over to Gideon and she lifted her little head to him and then she found her way to Kaiyah who laid down and put her head on her paws and closed her eyes softly as Esther gave her a gentle head butt in return. I was really trying to be strong and happy for Esther, she was going to rest and be in no more pain…but my heart hurt and tears found their way down my cheeks. It was time to go.

Kaiyah and Gideon both stayed in the living room as I brought her carrier to the door. I turned and came back with her and we said a prayer to The Only One Who can heal the broken-hearted and bind our wounds, The One Who always has a Plan and is Faithful…, The Only One to ensure our safety and peace… The One Who is Good to all and Whose tender mercies are over all His works…The One Who hears our cries and can hide us when overwhelmed…all that we need is found in Jesus…

When I got home my mind and heart were painfully raw. On one hand I was relieved for Esther as I was for my Pops, they weren’t in any more pain and both had gone to sleep peacefully with love and kindness around them. On the other hand I was grieving the loss of their lives. The emotional buckle regarding my Pops was coming loose and I wasn’t ready for that yet. It was easier to allow the tears to flow for my mom and now the loss of my dear kitty Esther…there were other pains and losses that surfaced in that grief, even things that I could discern were coming but were way beyond my control and understanding. I sought the Lord for His Wisdom and Counsel as I needed to find my way through all those memories and emotion and to make right decisions regarding the trials of life I was in the process of working through. As was my custom, that also provided a lot of heart to pray for others.

Although there have been plenty of pleasant moments, pain and suffering have been pretty prominent along my life journey; my own, someone close by or something happening around me. But what had Marmi always said to me? “Where’s my sunshine?” I had not yet come to fully realize that I had a lifetime of grief and hurt that I was told shouldn’t be there…couldn’t be there and so I had had no time to heal…no time to mourn…no time to find rest from it all, and when I did, the words of someone would find their way…. “Where’s my sunshine?” “Why are you so sad… buck up… why do you have such sad music…” and so on… So what did I do? I buried myself in Jesus, put on a sincere smile as I had much to be thankful for, and pressed onward… it is all I knew to do…or at least try to do. It is never a good thing to dismiss or downplay the pain of others, or our own, may God help us be more tender, merciful, selfless and more loving especially those of us that say we are His; where is His Fruit in us?

I didn’t know it at that time, but Kaiyah wasn’t the only one dealing with feeling like she wanted to be anywhere than were she was…and hurting from the abuses of others… I didn’t realize it then, but I was mourning with Kaiyah and not just for her…

Estherlein was my sweet roly-poly tabby who provided me her lifetime of kitty companionship. It was her time and she was ready. They are all irreplaceable. She supported many a buddy along the way including her newest one, Kaiyah Takota who was a bit more stable after knowing the little humble queen that was Esther.

….Until we meet again….